The Fear of Oblivion

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. And by just finished, I mean like two minutes ago. While reading this book, I felt so many different emotions, it is one hell of a read. Not gonna lie. The thing is that what hit me the hardest was not the love story or Augustus' death or all the cancer. What hit me was the concept of oblivion. It is mentioned only two or three times in the book and is the one thing Gus fears. I couldn't figure out why this affected me so much until the very end of the book. In those last few pages, I realized that I fear the same. I dread the day that everyone and everything becomes nothing but oblivion. But on a more personal note, I am terrified of dying and making no difference in the world, leaving behind no legacy, having nobody that looked up to me. Oblivion is terrifying. Thinking back over the past almost three years...there were a quite a few times where that concept became overwhelmingly real. I have a lot of friends, but I don't feel like any of them would actually miss me deeply if my eating disorder had killed me. My parents would have still been parents to my siblings. My siblings would have had each other. I would have disappeared into oblivion. But as Hazel (or rather her dad) says "the universe wants to be noticed". Obviously, the universe must have really wanted me to know that I still had to time to not just fall into death. Now, I am going to make it my goal to impact at least one person to the point where I make a true difference. I've always said that all I want is for someone to tell me that I am reason that they didn't give up. But I didn't realize how much I feared not having that until reading this book. And I cannot thank John Green enough for writing this. No, I do not have cancer. But I relate so much to these characters. From thinking I was going to die, to having people I know actually die....this book hit home for me. And I know it will change how I approach what I do in life to leave my mark.

Don't let any diagnosis define you. Ever.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

The End of USY

Ask any USYer what convention they dread the most and I can almost promise you that they will their senior year spring convention. USY is not just a youth group. It is a way of life. It gave me some of the most important things in my world. Most of my best friends I met through USY, it gave me a Jewish identity when I thought I didn't want one, but most importantly, it gave me a home. USY is an environment that is unlike anything you can experience anywhere else. As I sit here back in my house after my final convention, I can honestly say that I did not expect to miss it this much. I went to spring, feeling ready to move on and be done. Like I didn't need any more time and I was totally fine. But as the weekend went on, I came to see that I am in fact not totally ready. There are only so many people that I know I can call at 2 am and just vent to or that understand the feeling of standing in the Havdallah circle. I am not going to lie, there were a lot of tears shed this weekend and they haven't stopped yet. The Seaboard USY Class of 2014 will always be my second family and I am so proud to be a part of it. I could not have asked for a more perfect way to end my USY career. I will forever carry the lessons it taught me. Which are far too many to list. But I will say that I would not be the person I am today without USY. There will always be regrets about things I did or did not do while in this part of my life. Plenty of regrets. But for the most part, I am happy with what I accomplished. Senior spring was a success in every sense. Thank you USY. You helped me when nobody else could.



*I cried while writing this*

Stay Strong
xo Aria

My First Video-Blog?

Hope you like it!

Stay Strong

xo Aria

One Year Ago

One year ago, I was on my way to my third treatment stay. One year ago, I was unhappy and sick. One year ago,  I was on home and hospital. One year ago,  I was pulled out of a show. One year ago, I was lost. One year ago,  I was drowning. One year ago,  I hated my life and myself. One year ago is not today. Today is not one year ago. Today I only talk of treatment as a memory. Today I am happy and healthy. Today I am finishing my senior year of high school and have been in school all year. Today I am on a gymnastics team and finished my last shows as a high school student. Today I am finding myself. Today I am not only surviving but thriving. Today I love my life. Today I am ready to go to college in the fall and be free. One year ago, I watched my friends post their prom pictures from my hospital room. I commented on how pretty they looked and they responded that they missed me. This year, I'm going to two proms and have my own pictures to share. This year, my friends don't have to miss me because I'm here. Today, I don't love myself all the time and life isn't butterflies and rainbows.  Today, I don't know what I will eat tomorrow. But today that's ok. Today, I know I can get through that. And if I can get through the last year... I can get through anything. Recovery is possible. I know it is. Because otherwise my today would still be my last year. And that means that I probably wouldn't be here. But I am.

Every day is a new chance. Don't let your yesterday define your tomorrow.

Stay Strong
xo Aria