"It's Different"

It's different.
They all say that.
As they open their diet food and I glare.
It's different.
She doesn't need to eat as much as you.
It's different.
You need to eat full-fat foods.
It's different.
He needs to watch the scale. For health.
It's different.
None of us are sick.
It's different.
We don't need to learn to eat.
It's different.
All of us could stand to eat healthier. Except you.
It's different.
We want you to have a normal life.
It's different.
Because you can never be "this" normal.
It's different.


You're right it is different. I took the control, that you desperately want, to an extreme. I turned diet into sickness. For every meal that you attempt to make healthier and every round of seconds that you shame her for, I thank G-D for those. The ice cream and muffins and supplements. It is different. My fight for life, only matters when it doesn't fit your "ideal". Don't worry I feel the stares as I eat nothing diet and try to count calories to hit the number I need and not the one I want. I am different. Your "lifestyle" could kill me. And tomorrow I am going to wake up and make a difference in the world. One full meal at a time.

It is ok to eat. I promise.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Struggles Bring You Strength?

Hello internet world. I am back. As always when I take a ridiculously long break, I will now begin with a quick catch-up on my life before actually getting to the topic of this post. In the past few weeks I have been to Israel, spent an inordinate amount of time at the gym, spoke at a support group, and am currently having a sleepover with a 12 year old. You could say my life is a little crazy. But I like it.

Anyway, point of this post. Israel proved to be a minor struggle for me in terms of eating and my hunger cues are all messed up again. But  I feel awkward reaching out for help to my team or even my coach. (I would rather deal with my coach but I don't know if she would answer me). Let's put it this way....the scale and I didn't agree. But I don't post numbers. SO, that's all you can know. Basically, I am now tasked with fixing the disaster that came out of the most incredible trip of my life. Little ironic that I had more fun but managed to struggle at the same time. I texted my dietitian today and tried to say something about this whole situation to her but she's just been repeating herself. All she says is that I need to trust myself. Well, I'm trying to do that but it's probably a BAD idea. And yes, I know she's going to read this. I accept it. Gaining weight is hard for anyone with an eating disorder. Believe me, I know. But I have to do it. And that will be the strongest thing I've ever done. Out of struggle comes strength I guess. Or at least I really really hope so. Or I am so in trouble.

I don't know how this will pan out or if I will tell my coach or not. It's all kinda up in the air. DOn't worry though...there will be an update. I promise. Watch out for my next post!

Don't let your struggles change you.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Why I Love The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Before I start let me just acknowledge that not everybody agrees with what I am about to say and that I am fully aware that my last post was about the same book. The reason for this post is different than that one. This one is because of an opinion I read, that one of my close friends wrote about the story. She pointed out how much she disliked the book due to a couple of the reasons that make me love the book far more than I thought I would. For those of who are still unaware of the plot of TFIOS, allow me to give a brief synopsis from John Green's website:

"Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten."

So, yes the two main characters have cancer and are teenagers that are basically slowly dying. But that is not the main focus of the book. The focus is placed on their relationship and adventures with the occasional reminder that they are still sick. This is possibly the most realistic representation I can find of what I would want a book about teenagers with cancer or any other chronic/terminal disease to be. A book about teenagers and falling in love and having awkward conversations. It doesn't need to focus on the cancer and the dying and the doctor's appointments for the entirety of the book. We know it's there. They know it's there. Having the cancer be more of a central part would destroy a massive purpose. The purpose of showing that people with disease are still people. For example, eating disorders are often compared to cancer (still not sure how i feel about this..), if I were to write a book about living life with an eating disorder... I would write it much like TFIOS. Where the eating disorder is evident. You know the appointments happen and the medical scares. But the most important part is my life with it there. My life with friends and school and love. Eating disorders happen and it is a part of my life but it doesn't need to be the center. John Green shows this beautifully. 

The other point that my friend made is that the book is full of metaphors and cliche statements. She feels that this attempt to be deep, just takes away from any actual meaning the book could have had. Part of me wonders if she remembers being a teenager. It is all metaphors and cliches. It just is. I bought a pack of cigarettes on my 18th birthday. It is the classic thing to do (cliche) but I knew I wouldn't smoke them. Metaphors are all around. And a lot of the time, they give you time to think about something.  People have been telling me for years that "life is a journey" which is a metaphor. But it is also true. Sometimes life gets really hard and sucks. But it is a journey with ups and downs and twists and turns. And as a teenager, that is really important to remember. 

Lastly, Augustus points out that cancer is made of him. Therefore he is fighting a war against himself. A war in which the winner has probably already been chosen. This part meant so much to me. Because it rings so true in my life as well. My eating disorder is in my brain. It is made of me. As our all the dehydrated organs that are desperately searching for water at the moment. I am fighting myself. The difference is that I have the chance to possibly determine the winner of my war. I just have to recognize the battles.

Basically, this book is incredible and I am extremely grateful to have read it and seen the movie. 

You choose what is the center of your story.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

The Fear of Oblivion

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. And by just finished, I mean like two minutes ago. While reading this book, I felt so many different emotions, it is one hell of a read. Not gonna lie. The thing is that what hit me the hardest was not the love story or Augustus' death or all the cancer. What hit me was the concept of oblivion. It is mentioned only two or three times in the book and is the one thing Gus fears. I couldn't figure out why this affected me so much until the very end of the book. In those last few pages, I realized that I fear the same. I dread the day that everyone and everything becomes nothing but oblivion. But on a more personal note, I am terrified of dying and making no difference in the world, leaving behind no legacy, having nobody that looked up to me. Oblivion is terrifying. Thinking back over the past almost three years...there were a quite a few times where that concept became overwhelmingly real. I have a lot of friends, but I don't feel like any of them would actually miss me deeply if my eating disorder had killed me. My parents would have still been parents to my siblings. My siblings would have had each other. I would have disappeared into oblivion. But as Hazel (or rather her dad) says "the universe wants to be noticed". Obviously, the universe must have really wanted me to know that I still had to time to not just fall into death. Now, I am going to make it my goal to impact at least one person to the point where I make a true difference. I've always said that all I want is for someone to tell me that I am reason that they didn't give up. But I didn't realize how much I feared not having that until reading this book. And I cannot thank John Green enough for writing this. No, I do not have cancer. But I relate so much to these characters. From thinking I was going to die, to having people I know actually die....this book hit home for me. And I know it will change how I approach what I do in life to leave my mark.

Don't let any diagnosis define you. Ever.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

The End of USY

Ask any USYer what convention they dread the most and I can almost promise you that they will their senior year spring convention. USY is not just a youth group. It is a way of life. It gave me some of the most important things in my world. Most of my best friends I met through USY, it gave me a Jewish identity when I thought I didn't want one, but most importantly, it gave me a home. USY is an environment that is unlike anything you can experience anywhere else. As I sit here back in my house after my final convention, I can honestly say that I did not expect to miss it this much. I went to spring, feeling ready to move on and be done. Like I didn't need any more time and I was totally fine. But as the weekend went on, I came to see that I am in fact not totally ready. There are only so many people that I know I can call at 2 am and just vent to or that understand the feeling of standing in the Havdallah circle. I am not going to lie, there were a lot of tears shed this weekend and they haven't stopped yet. The Seaboard USY Class of 2014 will always be my second family and I am so proud to be a part of it. I could not have asked for a more perfect way to end my USY career. I will forever carry the lessons it taught me. Which are far too many to list. But I will say that I would not be the person I am today without USY. There will always be regrets about things I did or did not do while in this part of my life. Plenty of regrets. But for the most part, I am happy with what I accomplished. Senior spring was a success in every sense. Thank you USY. You helped me when nobody else could.



*I cried while writing this*

Stay Strong
xo Aria

My First Video-Blog?

Hope you like it!

Stay Strong

xo Aria

One Year Ago

One year ago, I was on my way to my third treatment stay. One year ago, I was unhappy and sick. One year ago,  I was on home and hospital. One year ago,  I was pulled out of a show. One year ago, I was lost. One year ago,  I was drowning. One year ago,  I hated my life and myself. One year ago is not today. Today is not one year ago. Today I only talk of treatment as a memory. Today I am happy and healthy. Today I am finishing my senior year of high school and have been in school all year. Today I am on a gymnastics team and finished my last shows as a high school student. Today I am finding myself. Today I am not only surviving but thriving. Today I love my life. Today I am ready to go to college in the fall and be free. One year ago, I watched my friends post their prom pictures from my hospital room. I commented on how pretty they looked and they responded that they missed me. This year, I'm going to two proms and have my own pictures to share. This year, my friends don't have to miss me because I'm here. Today, I don't love myself all the time and life isn't butterflies and rainbows.  Today, I don't know what I will eat tomorrow. But today that's ok. Today, I know I can get through that. And if I can get through the last year... I can get through anything. Recovery is possible. I know it is. Because otherwise my today would still be my last year. And that means that I probably wouldn't be here. But I am.

Every day is a new chance. Don't let your yesterday define your tomorrow.

Stay Strong
xo Aria