Aiming For Perfection

I want perfection so badly. I want it in gymnastics, in school, in my body. I just want to be perfect. The problem is that I can never seem to reach it. A girl will always get a skill before me. Whether or not mine ends up being prettier, she still had it first. But I work harder. I always do. I strive to work harder than everyone around me. I just want to be on top. I hear it all the time, that the aim for perfection is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. You can't be perfect. But I want to be as close as humanly possible. Coaches constantly have to make me walk away and take a break after trying too many times. I get so angry and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love how nice and clean my skills end up at the moment that I earn success. It just kills me that people who don't want it as bad or who don't work as hard, get it first. I just want to be perfect. I want to salute and smile and know that what I did is what everyone wants to see. AS for school, I spend hours writing and rewriting and editing. I just want my papers to sound right. Get the point across, not have anything to be critiqued on. But that never happens. Ever. In fact, some of the papers that I worked the most on, got the lowest grade. The body part goes wihtout saying. I just want it to be what society expects. What people look at and envy. What I can look in the mirror and not hate. I work hard for it. But it is still never perfect. I will never be perfect. And that will be the death of me.


Perfection doesn't exist, so why do we want it?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

YAY NEW FRIENDS

So, yesterday I hung out with a girl that I met through an online group based out of one of my treatment stays. We went to an open gym together and she did practice with me. It was so fun! And it was nice to find someone who loves gymnastics as much as I do. We spent like all day doing handstands and splits. It was awesome. And we spoke about treatment and our eating disorders. It was really nice to not feel so alone for once. Like I actually have someone who feels the exact same way and our parents are really similar. Basically, it was a great day. Even though my team may disagree on how unhealthy the situation was.

Sorry it was just a quick catch-up, I've been crazy busy!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Graduation (Moving On)

Before I begin, I just to make clear that I am not "moving on" from this blog. I am staying right here. Don't worry.

I graduated from high school two days ago. That's right. I finally made it to the end of my high school career. Something that a lot of people thought would never happen or if it did that I would finish while in a treatment center. But that didn't happen. I stayed in school the entire year plus some and walked the stage to receive my high school diploma. I have almost never felt more proud of myself than in that moment. Graduation is a great starting place rather than an ending. I'm now in the same place as the rest of my friends. I am going to college in less than three weeks and my life is going pretty well. I truly am moving on.

Some people would say that I haven't truly moved on. That my mind still needs a lot of work and my weight could be healthier. So, maybe they are right. Maybe I have not totally moved on from my eating disorder. But that is ok. It doesn't happen overnight or in a set amount of time. High school does. And I learned all I could in the past four years. About myself, about subjects, about recovery, about friendships. There is nothing left for me to learn from those experiences. Recovery will have to be worked for in college and hopefully will be reached there. But it may not. Each chapter of your life teaches you new things and gives new experiences for you to learn from. For me, I turned the page to a new chapter two days ago. And a brand new one is starting right now.

Moving on can be scary but it can also be really empowering. It gives a sense of accomplishment. I will always look back on high school and remember how much I missed out on but I will also remember the friends and fun times it gave me as well.

This song pretty much explains how I feel. So, I leave you with a video link and the message to let yourself move forward in life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNTl6McMBU8&list=FLVyTzC9VuRJxBNwu2gcf61w&index=77

Stay Strong
xo Aria

"It's Different"

It's different.
They all say that.
As they open their diet food and I glare.
It's different.
She doesn't need to eat as much as you.
It's different.
You need to eat full-fat foods.
It's different.
He needs to watch the scale. For health.
It's different.
None of us are sick.
It's different.
We don't need to learn to eat.
It's different.
All of us could stand to eat healthier. Except you.
It's different.
We want you to have a normal life.
It's different.
Because you can never be "this" normal.
It's different.


You're right it is different. I took the control, that you desperately want, to an extreme. I turned diet into sickness. For every meal that you attempt to make healthier and every round of seconds that you shame her for, I thank G-D for those. The ice cream and muffins and supplements. It is different. My fight for life, only matters when it doesn't fit your "ideal". Don't worry I feel the stares as I eat nothing diet and try to count calories to hit the number I need and not the one I want. I am different. Your "lifestyle" could kill me. And tomorrow I am going to wake up and make a difference in the world. One full meal at a time.

It is ok to eat. I promise.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Struggles Bring You Strength?

Hello internet world. I am back. As always when I take a ridiculously long break, I will now begin with a quick catch-up on my life before actually getting to the topic of this post. In the past few weeks I have been to Israel, spent an inordinate amount of time at the gym, spoke at a support group, and am currently having a sleepover with a 12 year old. You could say my life is a little crazy. But I like it.

Anyway, point of this post. Israel proved to be a minor struggle for me in terms of eating and my hunger cues are all messed up again. But  I feel awkward reaching out for help to my team or even my coach. (I would rather deal with my coach but I don't know if she would answer me). Let's put it this way....the scale and I didn't agree. But I don't post numbers. SO, that's all you can know. Basically, I am now tasked with fixing the disaster that came out of the most incredible trip of my life. Little ironic that I had more fun but managed to struggle at the same time. I texted my dietitian today and tried to say something about this whole situation to her but she's just been repeating herself. All she says is that I need to trust myself. Well, I'm trying to do that but it's probably a BAD idea. And yes, I know she's going to read this. I accept it. Gaining weight is hard for anyone with an eating disorder. Believe me, I know. But I have to do it. And that will be the strongest thing I've ever done. Out of struggle comes strength I guess. Or at least I really really hope so. Or I am so in trouble.

I don't know how this will pan out or if I will tell my coach or not. It's all kinda up in the air. DOn't worry though...there will be an update. I promise. Watch out for my next post!

Don't let your struggles change you.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Why I Love The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Before I start let me just acknowledge that not everybody agrees with what I am about to say and that I am fully aware that my last post was about the same book. The reason for this post is different than that one. This one is because of an opinion I read, that one of my close friends wrote about the story. She pointed out how much she disliked the book due to a couple of the reasons that make me love the book far more than I thought I would. For those of who are still unaware of the plot of TFIOS, allow me to give a brief synopsis from John Green's website:

"Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten."

So, yes the two main characters have cancer and are teenagers that are basically slowly dying. But that is not the main focus of the book. The focus is placed on their relationship and adventures with the occasional reminder that they are still sick. This is possibly the most realistic representation I can find of what I would want a book about teenagers with cancer or any other chronic/terminal disease to be. A book about teenagers and falling in love and having awkward conversations. It doesn't need to focus on the cancer and the dying and the doctor's appointments for the entirety of the book. We know it's there. They know it's there. Having the cancer be more of a central part would destroy a massive purpose. The purpose of showing that people with disease are still people. For example, eating disorders are often compared to cancer (still not sure how i feel about this..), if I were to write a book about living life with an eating disorder... I would write it much like TFIOS. Where the eating disorder is evident. You know the appointments happen and the medical scares. But the most important part is my life with it there. My life with friends and school and love. Eating disorders happen and it is a part of my life but it doesn't need to be the center. John Green shows this beautifully. 

The other point that my friend made is that the book is full of metaphors and cliche statements. She feels that this attempt to be deep, just takes away from any actual meaning the book could have had. Part of me wonders if she remembers being a teenager. It is all metaphors and cliches. It just is. I bought a pack of cigarettes on my 18th birthday. It is the classic thing to do (cliche) but I knew I wouldn't smoke them. Metaphors are all around. And a lot of the time, they give you time to think about something.  People have been telling me for years that "life is a journey" which is a metaphor. But it is also true. Sometimes life gets really hard and sucks. But it is a journey with ups and downs and twists and turns. And as a teenager, that is really important to remember. 

Lastly, Augustus points out that cancer is made of him. Therefore he is fighting a war against himself. A war in which the winner has probably already been chosen. This part meant so much to me. Because it rings so true in my life as well. My eating disorder is in my brain. It is made of me. As our all the dehydrated organs that are desperately searching for water at the moment. I am fighting myself. The difference is that I have the chance to possibly determine the winner of my war. I just have to recognize the battles.

Basically, this book is incredible and I am extremely grateful to have read it and seen the movie. 

You choose what is the center of your story.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

The Fear of Oblivion

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. And by just finished, I mean like two minutes ago. While reading this book, I felt so many different emotions, it is one hell of a read. Not gonna lie. The thing is that what hit me the hardest was not the love story or Augustus' death or all the cancer. What hit me was the concept of oblivion. It is mentioned only two or three times in the book and is the one thing Gus fears. I couldn't figure out why this affected me so much until the very end of the book. In those last few pages, I realized that I fear the same. I dread the day that everyone and everything becomes nothing but oblivion. But on a more personal note, I am terrified of dying and making no difference in the world, leaving behind no legacy, having nobody that looked up to me. Oblivion is terrifying. Thinking back over the past almost three years...there were a quite a few times where that concept became overwhelmingly real. I have a lot of friends, but I don't feel like any of them would actually miss me deeply if my eating disorder had killed me. My parents would have still been parents to my siblings. My siblings would have had each other. I would have disappeared into oblivion. But as Hazel (or rather her dad) says "the universe wants to be noticed". Obviously, the universe must have really wanted me to know that I still had to time to not just fall into death. Now, I am going to make it my goal to impact at least one person to the point where I make a true difference. I've always said that all I want is for someone to tell me that I am reason that they didn't give up. But I didn't realize how much I feared not having that until reading this book. And I cannot thank John Green enough for writing this. No, I do not have cancer. But I relate so much to these characters. From thinking I was going to die, to having people I know actually die....this book hit home for me. And I know it will change how I approach what I do in life to leave my mark.

Don't let any diagnosis define you. Ever.

Stay Strong

xo Aria