Recovery Means to Grieve

First off, I know it's been forever. I feel like there wasn't anything to say. But now I think about it...I have a lot. I've been back in treatment and it's been a pretty good experience. Minus some major self harm urges that I wasn't expecting. And of course hitting my goal weight was super hard. However, I have some great tidbits of advice for you guys that learned from one of my favorite staff members. 

One of the first things she ever said to me was : recovery is a process of grieving. Let yourself mourn. I thought she was crazy. I mean, I didn't die? But the more she explained, the more sense it made. I was okay not acting on behaviors because I didn't feel like I was losing something. I figured I could always go back. It would always be there, like a ghost. Which meant I could never fully move on. However, once I accepted that it was going away and began to let myself go through the mourning process, only then would true recovery begin. There would be no turning back. 

The next thing she said was: everyone is a failure or everyone defines success in their own way. At first I was super confused. There's only one way to be successful and that's to be perfect. But after finishing the discussion, she might be right. Because nobody can get everything right. You're going to fail at something. And it's possible that your entire life will look like a failure to other people. But as long as you feel successful then that's all that matters. 

The final thing she said is that sometimes you are handed a second chance for a reason. Maybe you are meant to start all over and see what can come. Not everyone has the chance to reevaluate everything so take the opportunity. 

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've missed blogging so so much. 

"Here's to days that turned into nights with friends that turned into family"

Stay Strong 

xo Aria

Goodbye Glee

I know that in the last couple years Glee has become a major joke to people. But as it has now ended, I'm looking back on why I started watching and why I'm proud to have kept watching the past 6 years. Glee started at the time in my life when I hated myself more than any other time I can think of. It was a weird show that talked about sex and homosexuality and things that I hadn't even started really understanding yet. But what I didn't expect was for them to help me understand who I was. I identified with Rachel and how she felt about her nose. I felt how Karovsky did when he attempted suicide. But I also loved watching them grow up and seeing that even the weird ones can make it through. I was bullied for so long. And it makes you feel so alone and like you deserve it. But Glee showed me that other people get bullied. That I could find people. Musical theatre and just music in general have always been in my life. But my cousin is the one who took lessons and was the "star" of the family. She was going to be on Broadway and is naturally incredibly skinny. Glee taught me that passion means something. That you don't have to go the conventional route to reach your dreams. But most importantly Glee showed me that fighting your dreams is ALWAYS worth the fight.

So thank you Glee. 

Stay Strong

Xo Aria

What I Wish People Knew About Eating Disorder Recovery (My Contribution to NEDAwareness Week)

The more time I spend trying to be in recovery, the more I realize that it isn't about looking forward or backward. It is about being in the moments that recovery shines during. My friends and I like to say "when it hurts to look back and you're scared to look forward, look beside you and you're best friend will be there". I think it is the same way with recovery. Every time I look forward and see how far I have to go, I freak out. I get scared that I'll never see the crazy island that is full recovery. And looking back either makes me upset that I let things happen or makes feel complacent. The complacency sets in because well I've made enough progress. Or so I think sometimes. But it isn't true. I have come a long way. But there is still a long while to go. So, the best way to go is to look next to you. What is happening right now that makes you know that you're human? I had one of these moments on Valentine's Day. I was making dinner with my friend and we were messing up and didn't even know how to work her stove. Normally, I would have been super nervous and freaked out and been nowhere near the kitchen. But this year, I was laughing and throwing food around with my friend. It was amazing. And rather than freaking after eating more than usual, we went and played in the snow and then ran inside freezing. Turns out that leotards don't keep you warm. I guess my point is that recovery isn't just about your past. How many hospitals, how many pounds, how many ANYTHING. But it also isn't about the future, how many pounds, how many meals, how much further you have to go. It's about looking around and enjoying what recovery can give you right now. No matter where you are. If you can't see this for yourself yet, that is okay. It will come with time. Everything does. If you are someone's support, don't focus so much on what they haven't done yet. Most of my recovery successes have been small. But still important. The little ones make up the big ones. So help them look next to them. And make sure they know that you are standing there too.

Recovery shouldn't always hurt. Enjoy the ride.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Poetry is My Guilty Pleasure

As very few of you know, I decided to try art therapy for a while. But the thing I've come to realize is that visual art isn't what helps me. Poetry is. I love it. And it's so great for expressing things. So here is my latest one. Please don't judge. 

Tears flowing

Numbers flashing

World spinning

Ankles collapsing 

Everything is black

Machines beeping

Doctors running

Someone help the girl who can't eat

The girl who won't eat

She must want to be pretty

Her family must be loaded

Maybe she's just stressed 

Or maybe she just hates herself

Hates herself so much that nothing else matters

I'm not a girl who starved to be pretty

I starved because I knew I could never be

Never be what society expects

Never be the perfect girl my parents wished for

So now I'll be nothing at all

And nobody will have to worry

Doctors running 

World slowing

Eyes closing

I'm going to sleep

And when I wake up the numbers will still be flashing 

Don't be afraid to try different ways of expression

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Dom

Tonight I went on a date with a fantastic guy. His name is Dom. Feel free to assume whatever you want regarding his actual name. Point is, I'm really happy about how it went. I've always said that the best part of a relationship is when you can sit in silence and still feel comfortable. And that happened tonight. We sat in his car and listened to music and held hands. The matching callouses were a nice touch. But it didn't feel awkward or like we needed to fill the space with words. We could just be there. And that was amazing. I'd be lying if I said he wasn't a good kisser too. And really sweet. I'm really glad he said he'd be up for a second date. And can't wait to see what happens.


I guess the point of this post is that sometimes what seems impossible...isn't. Don't let some bad relationships in the past ruin the ones to come.


Stay Strong
xo Aria

Chanukkah, Christmas, and a Coach

I'd like to start off by saying Merry Christmas to all who celebrate and a late chag Chanukkah sameach to all my fellow Jews. I know I haven't blogged in quite a while but life has just been so crazy. Our first meet of the year happened. I lost my best friend. Gained a boyfriend. Took second place on vault. Thought about relapsing. Worked harder than ever. Finished the semester. Basically, I've been busy. But I only want to focus on a couple events. 

Number 1: Chanukkah

This holiday is always hard for me because the most important foods, latkes and sufganiyot, are fried. And that is absolutely terrifying. I only ate one donut and 3 latkes the entire eight days. But I consider it to be an accomplishment. I also went to a local Chanukkah party all by myself and met some new people. Normal people. So, I had to eat to keep up with them. I never realized how much food people actually eat. It was really hard but being distracted after made it better. And to be honest, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Although having a meet the next day may have helped. But either way, I'm proud of myself for making it through the holiday.

Number 2: My Coach

I know I've spoken about her quite a few times but today in particular...made me realize just how much I owe to her. It actually started Sunday night after meet (and after her ordering my dinner -_-). My other coach had pointed out that I didn't eat enough before a meet but to me, eating at all before a meet was an accomplishment. It was a first time. I felt like such a failure. But after pointing it out to the coach that this paragraph about, we decided that an step is a good step and that I had a lot to be proud of. I went to sleep smiling that night. Last night I lost my best friend in a really stupid fight and never wanted to eat again. Because obviously that is the rational way to deal with life. I spent half the day pretty sure that starving was the answer and that said coach would give up on me eventually but she didn't and I ended up eating. Because starving didn't actually make me feel any better. Eating didn't exactly help. But it means I get to practice next week. And I finally learned the newest part of my floor routine. Which did make me feel better. Getting up and moving and talking to someone felt so much better than relapsing. I KNOW CRAZY STUFF.

And lastly,

Number 3: Christmas

No, I don't celebrate Christmas. But my brother's birthday is on Christmas day and like most Jews my family does the same thing every year. We eat Chinese food and see a movie and then later have cake for the birthday. It is so stressful. High calorie foods. Sitting around all day. It's not exactly my cup of tea. So, to all who celebrate, please be healthy and lovely Christmas. And to everyone else, be safe and healthy.

See you all in the new year!

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Midnight Adventures

Tonight I got a text asking if I was up for an adventure. At first I considered saying no. It's midnight and I have practice and life. But she's one of my best friends who I haven't seen in months. So, basically forever in our time. We used to see each other at least once a day. To say we had a lot to catch up on would be an understatement. So, I said yes. Of course I'm up for an adventure. And why not? It's a Friday night and I'm a college student. I couldn't be more happy with my decision. It was the first time in forever that I felt normal and alive and just there. It felt real. We covered everything from school to sex to why we might be Pinocchio. Don't question the last one. But the point is that going out of my comfort zone was so great. And I remembered why we were friends to begin with. I'm even stopping by her work tomorrow before practice to grab food from her. As I'm laying in bed and smiling, I can officially say that I am content. Life isn't perfect. But it has perfect moments. And tonight was one. To quote a book "and in that moment I swear we were infinite ". We could've driven for hours and not run out of things to say but sitting in silence has never bothered us either. She's a true friend. And I'll always treasure our little midnight adventure. 

Don't let comfort zones hold you back

Stay Strong

xo Aria