Everything Is a Blur

In this week of the amazing skills of Aria: I fell at practice and seriously knocked my head. Like I had to think of when my birthday is and whether or not I have siblings hard. The weird thing is that I don't remember falling when I think back. I remember up to the skill and then getting off the floor. The in-between is a total blur to me. Which didn't feel weird to me and I couldn't figure out why until today. It's because most of the last 3 years are a lot like that in my head. I remember everything up to a relapse. But the time between that and each treatment stay is really fuzzy. I know memory loss goes with the whole malnutrition thing but still I didn't realize how much time I had lost. And now I am determined to not lose anymore. I know how to do the skill correctly and I know what I have to do to stay where I am recovery wise. They both just take effort and time. Something else I have been made to think about again is the life and death of my grandfather. My therapist is determined that I totally process this and write a eulogy. That is awful. Mostly because I hate crying and fighting through the blocked out memories. Let's just say that trying to remember things has been a trend this week.

Don't let your life become a blur. You'll miss out on too much.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Put Your Hands Down

I think I heard the title of this post at least 50 times this week. Besides the pain in my knees and back, I realized something else. Sometimes we don't know our own strength. In my case this week it meant physical strength. I was doing round - off back handsprings and let's just say I have more leg power than I thought. I kept pushing off and flipping over without my hands touching the floor, not exactly how you do the skill. At all. But after a few tries my hands would touch the ground and I got the hang of the strength I have in me. We all have unknown power within us. Mental and physical. We can all enter recovery or jump backwards. Whatever you can dream, you can do. You just have to learn to use and control it or "put your hands down". Yes, you'll fall and things will hurt but that's how you learn to land. If you don't accept it and learn to use it properly, you will never accomplish everything that you are possible of.

Basically, we are really strong. We just have to put our hands down.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I Will Always Be Different

There's something I've realized through this process that I didn't anticipate; I am always going to look at things in a different light than those who haven't had an eating disorder. It's just a fact. I will always view people's actions and emotions,  the outside world and quite frankly everything differently. Sometimes that is really nice. I have so much empathy and so much drive. But other times it makes me realize how crazy some people are. And I don't like that part.

Let me explain.

Right now, a family I am very close with is in the middle of changing their food habits. In more ways than one. The mom is trying to make sure she doesn't gain weight (through use of a popular calorie counting app) and the youngest son cannot have fructose. The first one irks me because I used that app to count my "allowed" calories for years and it just bothers me. The second doesn't bother me because of him. It bothers me because she isn't just changing his diet, she's changing the entire house's diet and personally I find that unfair to her other son. I kinda want to like shake her and show her why it's not a good idea because her older son will get upset eventually and probably rebel against this idea. But I can't. So, I will just wait it out.

As for the other part of seeing things differently... it's amazing. I don't take my time in my sport for granted like a lot of others do and my friends are higher on my list of priorities than I am. And I appreciate normal things so much more.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

My Coach...

So my coach knows about my eating disorder. Which is fine. I mean I told her. But anyway that's the point of this post. Today,  she texted me to say that the gym was open despite all the snow and her text woke me up. Naturally I told her that she woke me up and she replied that it was 930 and I should get over it. To which I responded that I should probably get up anyway because I had X amount of calories to eat for the day. (On a side note, my coach is an exercise science major who wants to be a sports dietitian). After telling her the number she replied that there was no way it was enough to help me in the gym or help maintain my weight and suggested a higher number. It didn't actually freak me out as much as I thought it would. After discussing it with my actual dietitian,  we decided that it would be a good idea to slowly up my intake to help me build muscle. I went to practice tonight and made 2 new skills and practiced old ones that got improved (yay). During break I normally just sit on my phone or talk to people but I never eat snack. However, my coach was not okay with this apparently. She tried to hand me a small chocolate bar to which I originally said no. She then very quickly handed it to me and said "eat it. I know you haven't had enough calories today and that's not ok". I have never had someone say something like that who wasn't a professional or an annoying family member. I guess the point of this is two things. The first being that you'd be surprised who cares when you let people in. The second being that gymnastics is not as body conscience and awful as people make it out to be. Hell my coach forced me to eat chocolate. I have the best coach and team ever. And for that I am incredibly thankful.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Happy New Year!

Well 2013 is officially over. Not gonna lie... that makes me really happy. I don't know why but something about 2014 makes me think it's going to be amazing. So let's hope my intuition is right!

My favorite celebrity is Demi Lovato and yes there is a reason for saying this. Back in November I bought a copy of her book. (If you haven't... you should.) And for each day of the year she puts a goal. The goal for January 1 is " in this new year, come up with a mantra that is just yours. Each day, look in the mirror and repeat it back to yourself". Demi's is " you are beautifully and wonderfully made", just in case you were wondering. If you me, you know that I'm not one for affirmations and I think they're silly. But now, thinking back over the past few months... I realized I already had one. And it's a quote from Demi herself. In some interview she said to say to yourself "you are beautiful and you are worth it" and I took it to heart. I don't repeat it in the mirror but it is a saying that gets me through when stay strong doesn't cut it. So I guess that is mine.

Any way, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

I Have a Life?!?!

What is this craziness? I actually have a life. Not just a life but a life I'm not willing to give up. A life that I possibly could have had a long time ago. But no use in thinking about the past. Point is that my life is pretty awesome right now. It is so much better than being engrossed in my eating disorder. Which sounds ridiculous. Even to me. But no it is. It really truly is. There is nothing more satisfying than living. And that looks different for everyone and that's good. For me, the best parts of my week are during practice. Being able to hold myself up and the feeling of flipping over yourself. But the best is landing on your feet and knowing you stuck the landing. Knowing that you had the courage to let go and it worked. I don't know. It just feels freeing and amazing.

Not to mention... being present is awesome too. Actually being with people and being in the moment and experiencing things. It's a feeling I can't describe. But it is one that everyone deserves to feel. You will never want to go back. Especially after you smile for the first time without it being forced. Those seconds are priceless.

There wasn't much of a point to this post.  So, I will end it with the best part of my day today. Which was definitely landing my back tuck. It was awesome and terrifying haha. And totally overshadowed eating a huge FEAR FOOD with my dietitian. Hehe.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Realizing It Was Time To Move On

This past week or so, I realized that I really can do this recovery thing. And that is quite frankly the most freeing feeling ever. I even texted my dietitian about it! She said it was the best Christmas present ever. That made me laugh. But then she asked what helped me come to that conclusion and I had to think about it. It is what partially led to me making this blog in the first place. I said : A combination of things. I've been reminded constantly of the fact that I'm part of so many things bigger than myself and that's what I've wanted, I haven't been discussing weights and sizes with anyone for weeks and I finally accepted that I'm not that same broken girl that walked into Sheppard Pratt and I never will be. And I have the best friends a girl could ask for. " All of which us true. I am part of a team, a youth group,  a group of coaches, the recovery community. I refuse to discuss my weight with people. It isn't their concern. And I never will be the same person that I was over 2 years ago. I've had so many experiences since then and I've grown up. And of course my friends are legitimately amazing. They have stuck by me and listened to my endless rants. So many things have influenced me getting to this point and beyond and I can't wait to share my new journey with all of you!

" recovery didn't give me back my old life, it gave me a brand new one"

Stay Strong
xo Aria

(Somethings never change...hehe)