Awareness Weeks and Random Holidays

As many of you know, National Suicide Awareness Week just passed. The internet was full of positive messages and statistics and the crisis hotline numbers. The idea that suicide exists was everywhere. For some people, it was a much needed reminder. For others, it may have done more harm than good. It is up for debate. I know that a few of my friends were upset that suicide awareness is always focused around people with depression but eating disorders and other things can be causes as well. Meanwhile, other friends thought that it was pointless to raise awareness. Basically, we all know it happened. And now that week is over and the posts have stopped. But how many of you knew that today was National Talk Like a Pirate Day? Or that tomorrow is National Gymnastics Day? Yes, compared to National Suicide Awareness Week, these seem trivial. Maybe they are. But they bring attention to things that cannot be disputed and things that make people happy. Talking like a pirate is really fun. And we all know how I feel about gymnastics. It could possibly be my favorite day of the month. My point is, that if you are going to pay attention to weeks and months dedicated to big things...don't miss the small ones. Sometimes, they hold the most meaning and joy. Yes, NEDAwareness Week and all the other ones are very very important. But honestly, I hate them. I've never seen more people fight over mental illness and what should be said and what shouldn't. And they can be crazy triggering for people. I had a friend try and commit suicide during that week. I will never view it the same. But on little holidays meant for fun...there is no hatred or incorrect statistics. It's just fun. I don' really know what my point is but I had to get that off of my chest.

Enjoy the little things.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

18 and "Living"

I am an 18 year old girl
Holding tightly onto life
A life doesn't really exist
I stay awake with tears running down my face
And hate myself more and more
With every bite of food
I question why I even try
I am 18 years old
I should be having fun
Living freely
Loving the age I am
Finally an adult
Instead, I hope to not wake up
I hope to never see food again
I am barely holding myself together
I am busy trying to hold off my demons
But they are strong
Instead of eating ice cream
And dating
And being a "normal" girl
I am an anorexic.
I am not living, I am existing


Life doesn't have to be like this

Stay Strong
xo Aria

What Is In A Name

For the past several days, I have been considering changing my name. After looking into how Judaism views it and reflecting on how I feel towards my name...I think it may be a decent idea. See, every name is attached to a fate. Change your name...change your fate. It is one of the four ways to do it and is also known to help ward off the angel of death. Once I got the Jewish okay to it, I turned inward. I've never particularly liked my given name. For a few reasons. The first being that it is kinda old fashioned and just doesn't seem to fit me as a person. And second because I was given my grandmother's name. Don't get me wrong,  it's an honor. She was an incredible person. She was nice to everyone and believed there was good in everyone. I hold a lot of similar beliefs. But that makes it hard to be myself. I feel a constant comparison to her. I hear about her all the time and when people who knew her meet me...that's all they want to talk about. I think for me, changing my name might not be the worst idea. But it may destroy the relationship I have with my family. Weighing the pros and cons will be what I do this week.

Do you believe in changing fate?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Aiming For Perfection

I want perfection so badly. I want it in gymnastics, in school, in my body. I just want to be perfect. The problem is that I can never seem to reach it. A girl will always get a skill before me. Whether or not mine ends up being prettier, she still had it first. But I work harder. I always do. I strive to work harder than everyone around me. I just want to be on top. I hear it all the time, that the aim for perfection is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. You can't be perfect. But I want to be as close as humanly possible. Coaches constantly have to make me walk away and take a break after trying too many times. I get so angry and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love how nice and clean my skills end up at the moment that I earn success. It just kills me that people who don't want it as bad or who don't work as hard, get it first. I just want to be perfect. I want to salute and smile and know that what I did is what everyone wants to see. AS for school, I spend hours writing and rewriting and editing. I just want my papers to sound right. Get the point across, not have anything to be critiqued on. But that never happens. Ever. In fact, some of the papers that I worked the most on, got the lowest grade. The body part goes wihtout saying. I just want it to be what society expects. What people look at and envy. What I can look in the mirror and not hate. I work hard for it. But it is still never perfect. I will never be perfect. And that will be the death of me.


Perfection doesn't exist, so why do we want it?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

YAY NEW FRIENDS

So, yesterday I hung out with a girl that I met through an online group based out of one of my treatment stays. We went to an open gym together and she did practice with me. It was so fun! And it was nice to find someone who loves gymnastics as much as I do. We spent like all day doing handstands and splits. It was awesome. And we spoke about treatment and our eating disorders. It was really nice to not feel so alone for once. Like I actually have someone who feels the exact same way and our parents are really similar. Basically, it was a great day. Even though my team may disagree on how unhealthy the situation was.

Sorry it was just a quick catch-up, I've been crazy busy!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Graduation (Moving On)

Before I begin, I just to make clear that I am not "moving on" from this blog. I am staying right here. Don't worry.

I graduated from high school two days ago. That's right. I finally made it to the end of my high school career. Something that a lot of people thought would never happen or if it did that I would finish while in a treatment center. But that didn't happen. I stayed in school the entire year plus some and walked the stage to receive my high school diploma. I have almost never felt more proud of myself than in that moment. Graduation is a great starting place rather than an ending. I'm now in the same place as the rest of my friends. I am going to college in less than three weeks and my life is going pretty well. I truly am moving on.

Some people would say that I haven't truly moved on. That my mind still needs a lot of work and my weight could be healthier. So, maybe they are right. Maybe I have not totally moved on from my eating disorder. But that is ok. It doesn't happen overnight or in a set amount of time. High school does. And I learned all I could in the past four years. About myself, about subjects, about recovery, about friendships. There is nothing left for me to learn from those experiences. Recovery will have to be worked for in college and hopefully will be reached there. But it may not. Each chapter of your life teaches you new things and gives new experiences for you to learn from. For me, I turned the page to a new chapter two days ago. And a brand new one is starting right now.

Moving on can be scary but it can also be really empowering. It gives a sense of accomplishment. I will always look back on high school and remember how much I missed out on but I will also remember the friends and fun times it gave me as well.

This song pretty much explains how I feel. So, I leave you with a video link and the message to let yourself move forward in life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNTl6McMBU8&list=FLVyTzC9VuRJxBNwu2gcf61w&index=77

Stay Strong
xo Aria

"It's Different"

It's different.
They all say that.
As they open their diet food and I glare.
It's different.
She doesn't need to eat as much as you.
It's different.
You need to eat full-fat foods.
It's different.
He needs to watch the scale. For health.
It's different.
None of us are sick.
It's different.
We don't need to learn to eat.
It's different.
All of us could stand to eat healthier. Except you.
It's different.
We want you to have a normal life.
It's different.
Because you can never be "this" normal.
It's different.


You're right it is different. I took the control, that you desperately want, to an extreme. I turned diet into sickness. For every meal that you attempt to make healthier and every round of seconds that you shame her for, I thank G-D for those. The ice cream and muffins and supplements. It is different. My fight for life, only matters when it doesn't fit your "ideal". Don't worry I feel the stares as I eat nothing diet and try to count calories to hit the number I need and not the one I want. I am different. Your "lifestyle" could kill me. And tomorrow I am going to wake up and make a difference in the world. One full meal at a time.

It is ok to eat. I promise.

Stay Strong
xo Aria