I Apparently Have Seminary Homework Part 2

For this part of the assignment... I'm supposed to reflect on these past 2 months. Where I started and where I am now and everything in between. It's funny because I can't even really see any difference. Last night, I was sitting with the person who assigned these lovely things and she commented on the fact that my roots currently look like a hot mess. And she basically phrased it as "since you've gotten here, your face has changed, your eyes have changed, your posture has changed and your demeanor has changed. Now we just have to get your hair to look less like you've been doing some hard stuff". Ive been going in circles with what she said all day. Because I don't understand what she meant. I don't see how those things have changed. Maybe I'll ask her. But I'm not sure because I don't know if they changed in good ways or not. Anyway. Let's start this. 

This was Rho Class initiation. I remember feeling so uncomfortable when I got there. Like who was I to deserve to have a little. But I also remember hugging her so hard when she gave me my paddle. She drew sugar skulls and wrote that I'm a free spirit. And it just made me really happy. But I was also going to an NA every day and debating not coming to israel. 

This was the Jason Derulo concert that my school had. I remember being so conflicted on what to wear. I was so uncomfortable wearing such little clothing but that's what you wear to concerts. I just look miserable here. Which is weird because it was actually a lot of fun. And I love Lindsey. Hm interesting. 

This was move out day. My three favorite people in the entire world. I never would have made it through freshman year without them. I remember constantly fixing that tank top. Stupid chest. Whatever. We all cried so hard that day. 

This was the day after I landed in israel. I love Miki so much. We practically tackled each other. It felt so nice to be home. It was a weird relief to be in a skirt. And I interact with the Akiva people on a shomer negiah level so it was just really nice. I remember talking to Miki that night because at first she really didn't think I should go to Shearim and I didn't know what to do. But apparently she thought about it and realized that it would be the right place. She wasn't wrong. 

This is hands down my favorite picture thus far. I just felt so happy. It was amazing. Like Yom Yerushalyim is the most beautiful day. Everyone was happy and dancing and singing. It was awe inspiring. 

My apartment has its issues. But at the end of the day... They're all great people to learn from. It was just a good group at that moment. We took so many selfies because we couldn't stop laughing long enough. And then we did Kabbalat Shabbat together. There's nothing more moving than a group of people signing prayers together. USY taught me that power. 

This might have been the first time that I was more comfortable wearing a dress in Tznius fashion than not. It's the same dress from the first picture. Weird. 

This girl continues to inspire me on the daily. And I still don't understand how I inspire her. Because she says I do. But to each their own. It was the first time in over a month that I entered the old city. It was strange. I actually almost wanted to go to the kotel. But I didn't. It's Still freaky. 

Minus my really terrible roots... I love this a lot. And I wasn't even worried about posting it. And a lot of people messaged me saying how it's nice to see my healthy and happy. 

I don't see a lot of difference like other people apparently do. But maybe I'll see it one day. For now, all I know is that I'm Jewish, I'm proud to be Jewish, there is a G-D out there, He cares about me, and Torah is important.

Stay Strong

xo Aria 

I May Actually Be The Most Conceited Person Ever

A friend of mine is currently struggling with the fact that she likes a guy but can't date him. While at the same time, she liked a different guy that didn't like her back. She wrote to me trying to tell me how much it hurts. But me, being the conceited bitch that I am, couldn't wrap my head around it. I've had a lot of boyfriends. A lot. Like its just a fact. And to be honest, it's really hard for me to have guy friends because they all end up liking me in some manner. And then I either turn them down and they get hurt or I say yes and then it ends and we both get hurt. If we don't end up in a relationship, we at least make out at some point. So, I just don't get where she's coming from. And yes I'm aware that I sound like a terrible human being. All woe is me because guys want to get in my pants. For the record, my position can suck too. Because every guy I've had as a friend in the past few years just wants something more than me. So, I end up with basically no guy friends. After feeling really terrible about this conversation and my not knowing how to respond... I decided to ask someone who 1. Knows the friend better than I do and 2. Has some actual emotional depth. Nicely enough, she helped and told me how stuck up and terrible I sounded. Which is fine. Because I'm aware. I'm aware that the way my relationships work with guys is an anomaly. To make sure I wasn't going crazy however, I called my best friend. And we chatted about how it's always been that way for both of us. We went through drastic make overs in middle school and then pretty much spent high school attempting to do the same to others that wanted to hang with us. And we serial dated. Or in her her case serial screwed around. We ended not being able to have mutual guy friends because my ex wanted to fuck her and I was dating someone that she had fucked and didn't tell me. And then she actually ducked one of my exes. Basically... We aren't great with male/female relationships. At the end of the day.. I'm trying really hard to understand what it feels like from the other side. And if realizing that I don't know is conceited well then I'm fucked. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Apparently Have Seminary Homework (Part One)

So, this two part series of posts is because I was told by my mentor at seminary to basically write two essays. And I decided that blogging was the best way to do that. Here we go. 

The first one is actually eating disorder related. I was talking about sometimes you just want to relapse and go backwards. But you know you shouldn't. So, you tell everyone, including yourself, that you're "trying" not to relapse. To which she said that trying doesn't really mean anything in this situation. Like I know what to do. So, I'm either fighting through and doing it or I'm not. This brought back a really interesting memory from two treatment stays ago. I was at dinner and really just didn't feel like eating. And one of my favorite BHTs was like "I know it's hard but just try" and of course my snarky response while crying over a sandwich was that I WAS trying. Looking back, I wasn't really. Like I knew I should eat it and that if I didn't I would get supplements anyway. But there's an odd strength found in the struggle. Because he longer you sit there, the lore in control you feel. It was interesting to look back on that. Because now I know what I need to do. Which is not to try but to do. I weighed myself the other day for the first time in practically a year. And I freaked out. I've never been so close to my pre eating disorder weight. Because I've never lasted this long without relapsing. This same mentor found out and handed me a piece of pizza. That act of defiance  of what my brain wanted felt so liberating. Which doesn't make sense to those without an ED. But we all know that sometimes the hardest and most painful things free us the most. I was asked to write about what I walked away from by deciding to get better and what I've gained along this road. I walked away from staying up until 5 am working out until I cried. I walked away from making suicide pacts. I walked away from having starvation pacts. I walked away from fainting in bathrooms. I walked away from people hugging me and feeling for my spine. I walked away from sitting in locked wards. I walked away from daily weigh-ins determining if I had the right to shower. I walked away from the terrible high of starvation. I walked away from people asking me for diet tips. I walked away from comparing calories with friends. I walked away not being able to sit on the floor And not being able to lay down because there were just bones everywhere. I walked away from hiding. I've gained a lot along the way. I've gained the ability to make my own decisions. And I've gained the ability to laugh a gain. And I've gained the ability to go out with friends. I've gained having people as friends that don't just want an "Ana buddy". I've gained the chance to travel. I've gained going to school. I've gained freedom. And I only gained those things by picking myself up off the ground and putting one foot in front of the other. One meal at a time. One tear at a time. One smile at a time. 

Stay Strong 

xo Aria

What is Missing (Part 3)

So, I just realized that I never actually took the time to sit down and finish this series of blog posts. And this topic happens to still be playing a main role in my life. For the past two months I've been in seminary is Israel...again. And once again I'm so confused. Like I know I should go back to school for this year. And I know that I promised my friends and my frat. And I know I was happy there. But it was a different kind of happy. A surface level, constantly needing a high of some sort, feeling awkward kind of happiness. Even around NA people because I know my low wasn't nearly as low as most of theirs. Like I'm just so socially awkward and I don't know if it that's all the time or just there. Because it's never really been an issue of mine before. And here I'm not searching for a vice. Like there it was either running myself into the ground, going out super late, smoking, drinking... Anything really. Meanwhile, the other night I had these super random urges to purge (like seriously. I don't need a new ED symptom). And instead of acting on it or running or being stupid, I texted a friend and kept telling myself " vomiting is not a healthy coping mechanism. You can do this". Which might be the cheesiest sounding thing ever. But it got me through. 

I don't know. For some reason... Nothing feels like it's missing here. But maybe it should? 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

I Am Proud To Be Jewish

I'm writing this on a bus leaving Majdanek concentration camp in Lublin, Poland. For the first time in quite awhile I can officially say that I am proud to be Jewish. Never thought I'd say that, especially after the last three and a half hours. But there is much power in seeing that we are still here and the Nazis are not. We sang Acheinu in the building that housed the gas chambers, Am Yisrael Chai as we walked out, and Hatikvah in the crematorium. I've never sang those words with such conviction before. 

When you enter into Majdanek, you can see the expanse of the entire camp, building, watchtowers, barbed wire fences and of course the chimney from the crematorium. It's an incredible contrast to the town right next to it. I've always looked at the holocaust very objectively. With numbers and facts. And I came to Poland hoping to add feelings to it. But what hearing about what happened at this camp did was far more valuable. It reminded me that you can't look at a person as a number. That's the Germans did to us. Each person who perished in this camp and others had a life and dreams and a soul. And that is how you find the emotion. It is in realizing that it could have been me. There were girls just like me with a very different fate. All because they were Jewish. Most of them proudly Jewish. 

So, for me, the question becomes how can I not be proud to be Jewish after all we have persevered through. After all they did and went through because of people part of this incredible nation. 

I am so incredibly proud to be Jewish right now. 

Am Yisrael Chai

xo Aria

What is Missing Part 2

Okay so this is part of two of what I think will actually be a four part blog. 

I brought my dietitian's question up to one my friends today. And her response was "it's amazing what happens when you're happy and when you're focused on something that fills your soul". Which is so interesting because I truly think that I'm happy at school. But perhaps it's the not the same type of happiness. It's not the soul on fire type of happy. And my soul definitely isn't fulfilled. I think the most interesting part of what she said was "exercise isn't your first priority because there are more important things in your heart than changing your outward self. You're working on your inner self". 

There is so much truth to the things she had to say. And after speaking to another person about trying to find my way and having her say how its about coming into yourself and growing... I wonder if at school I just feel stagnant. I'm not sure

I'm going to keep exploring these ideas while I'm here in Poland and see where it takes me. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

What Is Missing?

This post will be part one in a,probably, two part blog post. 

The other day I met with my dietitian and she posed an interesting question to me that is still making me think. To start off, I'm leaving for Poland tomorrow for a week. And while I'm home I exercise four to five days a week. But obviously that won't happen this week. When she asked how I felt about it, I told the truth. I'm not worried about it. I just want to experience the trip. She then said " maybe this is something to look into. Why is it that when you're in Israel or Poland, places where you feel at one with yourself and connected, that exercise and food are so important to you? Why is it only when you come back that it becomes a big deal? And what is it that's missing here or that needs to be taken away from here to create that same feeling?"

I'm not going to lie, I thought this comment was crazy. Like of course it's different. I'm not the same person in both scenarios. Different things are expected of me. But that's okay. Yes, one feels more real and authentic and helps me be more introspective. Which honestly is what I think helps so much is that I'm truly able to work things out within myself and I'm allowed to grow how I want. Plus, there are people are want to listen and help you along the way. Judaism makes me feel so whole and amazing. It actually makes my soul on fire. Don't get me wrong. I love school and my friends and all of that. But it's not the same. It's more superficial. And I act more impulsively. Not to mention I'm so much more stressed out. 

I'm just not sure how that plays out with food and exercise. Or what to put in or take out. 

Any ideas?

Stay Strong

xo Aria