You will never understand this. The feeling of belonging somewhere else. The feeling of losing yourself because you can't get back there. The feeling of knowing you aren't home. The feeling that something else is out there. The feeling that nobody cares because they only see what's on the surface. The feeling of being so misunderstood. I don't want to run away. I want to run home. Run to where I felt at peace. Where I felt happy. Where I felt like myself. I will never be healthy,not truly, until I feel at one with myself. I need you to try to understand that my heart is far far away and so is home for me. My heart lies away from here. And one day I will come back. Because I have a home here. But it will never be where I feel AT home. You have to let me fly. Let me spread my wings. Go where I need to be. You were just like me once. Needing to go. Be where you loved. Give me the same freedom. I will always come back. Always. But give me the chance to choose when that is. Until you can internalize and try to understand this feeling...You Will Never Understand Me.
Date a gymnast. She knows how to combine power and grace in the perfect proportion. She will help you see what it means to have a dynamic personality. A gymnast is taught how to have respect for authority without being walked on. She has had to stand up for herself and realize that nobody is listening to what she says. But knows to keep talking until someone hears. She has had spent years learning to push herself out of comfort zones. She has goals and aspirations and wants. But most importantly, she will fight for those wants. Including you. A gymnast strives for perfection and will not accept anything less than what she deserves. She knows what she deserves. Nobody is gifted anything in this sport. She has seen defeat and frustration and has had to pick herself up off the floor as quickly as a human can. Except gymnasts aren't normal humans. They know that each time they land incorrectly is just setting them up for a better finish the next time. Success is earned. In and out of the gym. She will tell you over and over that everything she knows she learned in the gym. From her teammates, coaches and even through watching those on different teams. Best of all, she's learned from watching herself fall short. From a young age the gymnast is taught responsibility and discipline. If she forgets something for practice? That's her problem. She has a school dance on the same day as a meet? Too bad. She made a commitment. Self-discipline is at the core of this sport. She knows how to keep herself focused. How to fight for her dreams. And how to do the right thing when nobody is watching. So no. Do not date a gymnast because she is flexible or because she can have push-up contests with you. Date a gymnast because she will never leave unless you give her a reason. She's a hard worker and has persevered. And her highs are higher than anyone else's could ever be.
First off, I know it's been forever. I feel like there wasn't anything to say. But now I think about it...I have a lot. I've been back in treatment and it's been a pretty good experience. Minus some major self harm urges that I wasn't expecting. And of course hitting my goal weight was super hard. However, I have some great tidbits of advice for you guys that learned from one of my favorite staff members.
One of the first things she ever said to me was : recovery is a process of grieving. Let yourself mourn. I thought she was crazy. I mean, I didn't die? But the more she explained, the more sense it made. I was okay not acting on behaviors because I didn't feel like I was losing something. I figured I could always go back. It would always be there, like a ghost. Which meant I could never fully move on. However, once I accepted that it was going away and began to let myself go through the mourning process, only then would true recovery begin. There would be no turning back.
The next thing she said was: everyone is a failure or everyone defines success in their own way. At first I was super confused. There's only one way to be successful and that's to be perfect. But after finishing the discussion, she might be right. Because nobody can get everything right. You're going to fail at something. And it's possible that your entire life will look like a failure to other people. But as long as you feel successful then that's all that matters.
The final thing she said is that sometimes you are handed a second chance for a reason. Maybe you are meant to start all over and see what can come. Not everyone has the chance to reevaluate everything so take the opportunity.
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've missed blogging so so much.
"Here's to days that turned into nights with friends that turned into family"