Saturday, 23 August 2014

Aiming For Perfection

I want perfection so badly. I want it in gymnastics, in school, in my body. I just want to be perfect. The problem is that I can never seem to reach it. A girl will always get a skill before me. Whether or not mine ends up being prettier, she still had it first. But I work harder. I always do. I strive to work harder than everyone around me. I just want to be on top. I hear it all the time, that the aim for perfection is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. You can't be perfect. But I want to be as close as humanly possible. Coaches constantly have to make me walk away and take a break after trying too many times. I get so angry and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love how nice and clean my skills end up at the moment that I earn success. It just kills me that people who don't want it as bad or who don't work as hard, get it first. I just want to be perfect. I want to salute and smile and know that what I did is what everyone wants to see. AS for school, I spend hours writing and rewriting and editing. I just want my papers to sound right. Get the point across, not have anything to be critiqued on. But that never happens. Ever. In fact, some of the papers that I worked the most on, got the lowest grade. The body part goes wihtout saying. I just want it to be what society expects. What people look at and envy. What I can look in the mirror and not hate. I work hard for it. But it is still never perfect. I will never be perfect. And that will be the death of me.

Perfection doesn't exist, so why do we want it?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Friday, 15 August 2014


So, yesterday I hung out with a girl that I met through an online group based out of one of my treatment stays. We went to an open gym together and she did practice with me. It was so fun! And it was nice to find someone who loves gymnastics as much as I do. We spent like all day doing handstands and splits. It was awesome. And we spoke about treatment and our eating disorders. It was really nice to not feel so alone for once. Like I actually have someone who feels the exact same way and our parents are really similar. Basically, it was a great day. Even though my team may disagree on how unhealthy the situation was.

Sorry it was just a quick catch-up, I've been crazy busy!

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Graduation (Moving On)

Before I begin, I just to make clear that I am not "moving on" from this blog. I am staying right here. Don't worry.

I graduated from high school two days ago. That's right. I finally made it to the end of my high school career. Something that a lot of people thought would never happen or if it did that I would finish while in a treatment center. But that didn't happen. I stayed in school the entire year plus some and walked the stage to receive my high school diploma. I have almost never felt more proud of myself than in that moment. Graduation is a great starting place rather than an ending. I'm now in the same place as the rest of my friends. I am going to college in less than three weeks and my life is going pretty well. I truly am moving on.

Some people would say that I haven't truly moved on. That my mind still needs a lot of work and my weight could be healthier. So, maybe they are right. Maybe I have not totally moved on from my eating disorder. But that is ok. It doesn't happen overnight or in a set amount of time. High school does. And I learned all I could in the past four years. About myself, about subjects, about recovery, about friendships. There is nothing left for me to learn from those experiences. Recovery will have to be worked for in college and hopefully will be reached there. But it may not. Each chapter of your life teaches you new things and gives new experiences for you to learn from. For me, I turned the page to a new chapter two days ago. And a brand new one is starting right now.

Moving on can be scary but it can also be really empowering. It gives a sense of accomplishment. I will always look back on high school and remember how much I missed out on but I will also remember the friends and fun times it gave me as well.

This song pretty much explains how I feel. So, I leave you with a video link and the message to let yourself move forward in life.

Stay Strong
xo Aria