I want perfection so badly. I want it in gymnastics, in school, in my body. I just want to be perfect. The problem is that I can never seem to reach it. A girl will always get a skill before me. Whether or not mine ends up being prettier, she still had it first. But I work harder. I always do. I strive to work harder than everyone around me. I just want to be on top. I hear it all the time, that the aim for perfection is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. You can't be perfect. But I want to be as close as humanly possible. Coaches constantly have to make me walk away and take a break after trying too many times. I get so angry and frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love how nice and clean my skills end up at the moment that I earn success. It just kills me that people who don't want it as bad or who don't work as hard, get it first. I just want to be perfect. I want to salute and smile and know that what I did is what everyone wants to see. AS for school, I spend hours writing and rewriting and editing. I just want my papers to sound right. Get the point across, not have anything to be critiqued on. But that never happens. Ever. In fact, some of the papers that I worked the most on, got the lowest grade. The body part goes wihtout saying. I just want it to be what society expects. What people look at and envy. What I can look in the mirror and not hate. I work hard for it. But it is still never perfect. I will never be perfect. And that will be the death of me.
Perfection doesn't exist, so why do we want it?