Monday, 26 May 2014

The Fear of Oblivion

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. And by just finished, I mean like two minutes ago. While reading this book, I felt so many different emotions, it is one hell of a read. Not gonna lie. The thing is that what hit me the hardest was not the love story or Augustus' death or all the cancer. What hit me was the concept of oblivion. It is mentioned only two or three times in the book and is the one thing Gus fears. I couldn't figure out why this affected me so much until the very end of the book. In those last few pages, I realized that I fear the same. I dread the day that everyone and everything becomes nothing but oblivion. But on a more personal note, I am terrified of dying and making no difference in the world, leaving behind no legacy, having nobody that looked up to me. Oblivion is terrifying. Thinking back over the past almost three years...there were a quite a few times where that concept became overwhelmingly real. I have a lot of friends, but I don't feel like any of them would actually miss me deeply if my eating disorder had killed me. My parents would have still been parents to my siblings. My siblings would have had each other. I would have disappeared into oblivion. But as Hazel (or rather her dad) says "the universe wants to be noticed". Obviously, the universe must have really wanted me to know that I still had to time to not just fall into death. Now, I am going to make it my goal to impact at least one person to the point where I make a true difference. I've always said that all I want is for someone to tell me that I am reason that they didn't give up. But I didn't realize how much I feared not having that until reading this book. And I cannot thank John Green enough for writing this. No, I do not have cancer. But I relate so much to these characters. From thinking I was going to die, to having people I know actually die....this book hit home for me. And I know it will change how I approach what I do in life to leave my mark.

Don't let any diagnosis define you. Ever.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

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