I never thought I would write this. But I guess this could be good for me. There are things I need to tell people about myself. Beware. All the walls are coming down.
I do put on a wonderful front. It has a purpose. That way nobody can hurt me and I can't be disappointed. If I pretend that everything is ok, then life is ok. It takes away the need for emotion. I hate crying. I find it creates vulnerability and I don't like that. This my first time really being single since 7th grade and it's terrifying. Maybe that's a good thing. But I'm not sure. I know my obsession with exercise is unhealthy. I just can't seem to stop. I only worked out for 45 minutes today AND got injured but I still feel guilty because I'm allowed to work out more than that. I constantly feel like nobody hears me. And that makes me not want to share. Why share if nobody wants to hear it. School terrifies me. I can't focus and when I read, I mix up letters and words. Which makes textbooks SO hard and reading out loud makes me want to vomit. My anxiety causes me to feel sick and like I'm having a heart attack. It's the worst. I want to lose weight so badly right now.But I won't. I can't keep going in and out of treatment. That I know. I'm so scared of finding out who I am. What if I'm a horrendous person that nobody likes. I don't tell people when I get hurt. I never have. When I was little and would get a cut, I would run to my room and hide it from my parents. Once I bled for an hour. When I sprain my ankle, I don't wear braces. I don't like to be seen as less than perfect. I was bullied too long for that. I was the girl in middle school who people put notes on her locker calling her a whore. I'll never forget that. I pretend to be stupider than I am. It works for me. People never think I'm smart. It's just not a thing. Which is probably good. I love gymnastics with all my heart. But there is definitely a part of me that wants to leave the leotards behind. That's normal. Judaism is so important to me. Like ridiculously. Not sure why.
That's all I've got for now.