Here we go:
Do two ideals never not conflict with each other? In middle school, all I wanted was for boys to want me. Now they do. And wow, it was such a self esteem boost. Like having every guy at my disposal, such a power trip. But now? It sucks. I don't have guys that just want to be my friend. I can't fall asleep in a friend's bed without waking up to his hands in my pants. It's like what I always wanted, I would now give anything to get rid of. That's not to say that I don't gain things through hook ups or boys, because I do. Like it reminds me why I matter. And why I do what I do. It shows me how to act. And sometimes it is just the break from thinking that I need. Every so often, it's even enjoyable. The only problem is that it causes me to sacrifice a lot of things too. Like any respect I have for my body. It doesn't belong to me, it belongs to them. Granted, that's not much different than in gymnastics. My body is simply a thing to be contorted. But I also sacrifice having any sense of who I am without a guy or what I like to do. Guys are who I base my self worth on. Like I'm pretty sure that if a boy wouldn't hook up with me that I would fall apart. Who am I if I'm not pretty enough for them? Plus hook ups can give you social standing. If you go out and no guy even looks at you, then you obviously either suck or you aren't pretty enough. Like to know you're wanted is really nice. Until it drives you nuts because you want space. Basically my gains are also my sacrifices.
Thanks for reading!!!