Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

I was sharing things with my therapist during a session tonight and she gave me some really decent insight into myself. And possibly why it's hurting me so much to be struggling right now. Part of the problem is that I'm focusing so much on the fact that some of my behaviors are back that I'm not seeing the internal growth. The progress that I've worked hard to make. I'm not giving myself credit. I'm just getting more upset at myself. I've been seeing my therapist for almost 4.5 years now. So, she's seen me through almost all of my treatment stays and a lot of ups and downs. And one thing she said that hit me was " it's not good that you're using behaviors but I much prefer this version than what you used to be like". She was saying how before I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to. The goal was to self destruct. And if you happened to be in my way... Well that sucked for you. But now I have feelings and I'm just trying to figure out how to live with them. And that means sometimes turning back to old actions when I can't seem to grab anything. But those are two very different places to be. I'm not running away anymore, I'm just trying to figure myself out. And there can be hiccups along that road. That doesn't mean I'm not growing. She also pointed out that what I'm doing now, being in israel, learning about myself and growing, was never what I would have chosen to do before. I was too busy fighting for my right to have control. To starve and cut and run. I guess she's right... I don't really give myself credit for growing. Because the eating disorder world is so focused on being RECOVERED and not struggling anymore. So, when I struggle it's like while fuck. I suck. But that's not true. I just need to see that behaviors are not the end all be all. It's about the mindset change. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Note To Self

Note to Self: last night you made a crazy mistake because you were hurting. It's okay that you were hurting. But there are definitely better coping mechanisms. But you live and you learn and you grow. Don't beat yourself up. Stand up and start over. Currently you are texting Shannon and you are planning your relapse with her. And the email from Adina is only pushing you further. Don't be stupid. You walked away once. You might not be able to walk away again. You only get so many chances. Right now you think this is a load of bull shit. So, read it later. And again later. And again. You can communicate with your words. Spoken or written. Your body doesn't have to take the brunt of your anger and sadness. Just breathe. Read a book. And for fucks sake stop reading books where the lead has an eating disorder. You can't win against a fictional character. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Dear God... It's Me

Don't judge me. Fair warning for the cheesiness that may ensue. 

Dear God,

Hey it's me. But i guess you knew that. I try to talk to you once a day. Sorta. I guess managing to say the Shema in under 30 seconds every night might not totally count. I don't know. Okay. Anyway. I'm kinda new to this whole thing so sorry if I don't do awesome. Im still figuring out your place in my life but so far.. I don't mind noticing it and I actually really enjoy learning about what you've given me down here. It's pretty cool. I started thinking about writing this letter yesterday when Ayelet and Mr. Ayelet told us the story about their house. They're really awesome people. And I'm really blessed to have them in my life. I wonder if they feel the same way about me. Oh well. Anyway. The more I think about things that have happened lately the more I see how nothing is a coincidence. And I'm even starting to feel comfortable recognizing the fact that it's coming from

You and not just "the universe". Like Auelet reading the story last night, and then Mrs. Gersht reading it again. Or my school processing my paperwork. Or the lease form just happening to be due when it needed to be. Even Monica texting me back today. It's so crazy. Maybe life really is like an escalator. I don't know. Im kinda worried that I'm making a mistake still but I guess that's only human. Haha the Christina Perri song called human just popped in my head. Well I guess you knew that. Oh well. Life is just good right now. Stressful but good. I'm pretty sure I should end this with like something about how awesome you are. Oh no wait... That might be the first part of prayer. Is this a prayer ? I don't know. You seem pretty cool. We should do this again sometime. Thanks for showing me that people care about me for more than just drugs or starvation secrets. It's appreciated. 

Peace out

Aria