A Middle Ground?!?

One of the first things that I was told in treatment is that there is no such thing as a part-time eating disorder. Over the past few years, I have learned that that is in fact true. I wish it weren't but it is. You can pretend life is fine but if you're truly deep into an eating disorder, it probably isn't. I have tried this concept time and time again. Just hoping that those treatment professionals were wrong. That I can have an eating disorder and be truly living. But each attempt is more destructive than the last. I end up falling further than I planned and being less aware. I'm so convinced that I am accomplishing the impossible, that I don't notice when I lose passion for things, when recovery falls away and when life is no longer what I view for myself. I end up in a hole so deep that I can't see the light anymore. When you see eating disorders in the media, you so often see the extremes. But most often, the ones with tons of health side-effects don't fit that mold. It's the same thing with "part-time" recovery. It doesn't look all that bad, you're still a productive member of society, but at it's core it is possibly worse than a full-blown relapse. I have often strived to reach that area. To get out of a relapse to the part-time fence area. It is a great landmark when going that direction. You are participating in life. That is essential for recovery. Isolation is where an eating disorder thrives. But to try and live on that fence forever is draining and scary. Possibly lethal. The way I see it, if I were to choose to stay on the fence, it would just be like living in denial. Never truly being honest with myself or those around me. None of which is safe or beneficial. In short, part-time recovery doesn't exist. You cannot have a part-time eating disorder. It won't work. It really truly won't.

Right now I'm trying to get myself out of this. Without giving specifics, I'm trying to make my meals more regular, trying to not give into other "healthy" urges and trying to make sure that I am doing the things that truly make me happy. (Hello new college apps).

If you think you might be trying to have a part time eating disorder, here are some things to think about:

1. You are more tired than usual
2. You lose focus more easily
3. you still enjoy what you do but it doesn't feel as right
4. You question yourself a lot more
5. People are starting to be worried about you
6. Other people, including you, see no issue with what is going on
7. Your food seems slightly off
8. Urges are becoming stronger
9. You feel like have a completed a part-time eating disorder.

Don't stay on the fence. It might be worse than fighting.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Petition

Hi everyone! I would really appreciate you considering signing this petition that my friend and I put together. Only as a group can we get "Red Band Society" and its harmful messages about eating disorders off the air.

https://www.change.org/p/fox-broadcasting-company-remove-red-band-society-from-primetime-television-3?just_created=true

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Find The Beauty That Is Left

We focus so much energy on what is awful in life. What it is that we are missing. But what about all the wonderful things. The fact that we are alive. The fact that we know people that are fighting everyday to see the light. I see the beauty of the world through friends all the time. When I hear that they ate breakfast. They took their meds. They were honest in therapy. That is beautiful. That is fighting. So, yes the darkness is overwhelming and scary. But we wake every day and eat every terrifying bite. We tell our eating disorders to leave us alone. We try to do the next right thing. And trying is what counts. If we give up, then the beauty ends. So, we keep fighting. One bite at time. One step at a time. One fight at a time. Eventually, the light will get brighter. The colors will be more vibrant. Because we will have made it. That is why we have to fight now. To get there.

Fight. Fight that bitch in your head.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Why I NEDA Walk

This coming week is the third annual Baltimore NEDA Walk. I have been to every single one. The Baltimore walk is the smallest of the walks I have been to but that doesn't mean that it hasn't had an impact. I have been inspired. I have met survivors. I have heard speeches that were empowering beyond words. I have met grieving families. I have met professionals. I have caught up with old friends. I have met people who went to the same treatment centers as me. I have seen old therapists. I have informed other people. I have made connections. I have shed tears. I have gained hope. I have held hands. NEDA Walks are incredible experiences. I have also been triggered. I have been old to call treatment centers. I have felt stared at. I have felt judged. I have left in tears. I have been begged to get help. I have decided on relapses. For you see, NEDA Walks have a certain heaviness to them. This can go two ways. Positive or negative. Eating disorders are competitive and deceptive diseases. They just are. Putting a ton of eating disordered people together without "supervision" can be a dangerous endeavor. But every person who is brave enough to run or attend a NEDA takes on that risk and I think it is more than worth it. Why? Because of all the reasons I said in the first part of this blog. You don't realize how much these diseases can take from people until you hear those speeches or speak to the parents who no longer have a child. Friends and family members who now have one person whom they loved. So, yes, I have been triggered at NEDA Walks. But that mostly has been caused my own feelings of inadequacy.  The theme this year for all the NEDA Walk is "Why I NEDA Walk". I would like to share mine with all of you.

I NEDA Walk because we all need hope. Because I need to not feel alone. Because not everyone can walk for themselves. Because approximately 23 people die every day from eating disorders. Because I refuse to be a statistic. Because I have friends who deserve more than the life they are living. Because hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Because recovery is possible.

Why do you NEDA Walk?

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Awareness Weeks and Random Holidays

As many of you know, National Suicide Awareness Week just passed. The internet was full of positive messages and statistics and the crisis hotline numbers. The idea that suicide exists was everywhere. For some people, it was a much needed reminder. For others, it may have done more harm than good. It is up for debate. I know that a few of my friends were upset that suicide awareness is always focused around people with depression but eating disorders and other things can be causes as well. Meanwhile, other friends thought that it was pointless to raise awareness. Basically, we all know it happened. And now that week is over and the posts have stopped. But how many of you knew that today was National Talk Like a Pirate Day? Or that tomorrow is National Gymnastics Day? Yes, compared to National Suicide Awareness Week, these seem trivial. Maybe they are. But they bring attention to things that cannot be disputed and things that make people happy. Talking like a pirate is really fun. And we all know how I feel about gymnastics. It could possibly be my favorite day of the month. My point is, that if you are going to pay attention to weeks and months dedicated to big things...don't miss the small ones. Sometimes, they hold the most meaning and joy. Yes, NEDAwareness Week and all the other ones are very very important. But honestly, I hate them. I've never seen more people fight over mental illness and what should be said and what shouldn't. And they can be crazy triggering for people. I had a friend try and commit suicide during that week. I will never view it the same. But on little holidays meant for fun...there is no hatred or incorrect statistics. It's just fun. I don' really know what my point is but I had to get that off of my chest.

Enjoy the little things.

Stay Strong

xo Aria

18 and "Living"

I am an 18 year old girl
Holding tightly onto life
A life doesn't really exist
I stay awake with tears running down my face
And hate myself more and more
With every bite of food
I question why I even try
I am 18 years old
I should be having fun
Living freely
Loving the age I am
Finally an adult
Instead, I hope to not wake up
I hope to never see food again
I am barely holding myself together
I am busy trying to hold off my demons
But they are strong
Instead of eating ice cream
And dating
And being a "normal" girl
I am an anorexic.
I am not living, I am existing


Life doesn't have to be like this

Stay Strong
xo Aria

What Is In A Name

For the past several days, I have been considering changing my name. After looking into how Judaism views it and reflecting on how I feel towards my name...I think it may be a decent idea. See, every name is attached to a fate. Change your name...change your fate. It is one of the four ways to do it and is also known to help ward off the angel of death. Once I got the Jewish okay to it, I turned inward. I've never particularly liked my given name. For a few reasons. The first being that it is kinda old fashioned and just doesn't seem to fit me as a person. And second because I was given my grandmother's name. Don't get me wrong,  it's an honor. She was an incredible person. She was nice to everyone and believed there was good in everyone. I hold a lot of similar beliefs. But that makes it hard to be myself. I feel a constant comparison to her. I hear about her all the time and when people who knew her meet me...that's all they want to talk about. I think for me, changing my name might not be the worst idea. But it may destroy the relationship I have with my family. Weighing the pros and cons will be what I do this week.

Do you believe in changing fate?

Stay Strong
xo Aria