One of the first things that I was told in treatment is that there is no such thing as a part-time eating disorder. Over the past few years, I have learned that that is in fact true. I wish it weren't but it is. You can pretend life is fine but if you're truly deep into an eating disorder, it probably isn't. I have tried this concept time and time again. Just hoping that those treatment professionals were wrong. That I can have an eating disorder and be truly living. But each attempt is more destructive than the last. I end up falling further than I planned and being less aware. I'm so convinced that I am accomplishing the impossible, that I don't notice when I lose passion for things, when recovery falls away and when life is no longer what I view for myself. I end up in a hole so deep that I can't see the light anymore. When you see eating disorders in the media, you so often see the extremes. But most often, the ones with tons of health side-effects don't fit that mold. It's the same thing with "part-time" recovery. It doesn't look all that bad, you're still a productive member of society, but at it's core it is possibly worse than a full-blown relapse. I have often strived to reach that area. To get out of a relapse to the part-time fence area. It is a great landmark when going that direction. You are participating in life. That is essential for recovery. Isolation is where an eating disorder thrives. But to try and live on that fence forever is draining and scary. Possibly lethal. The way I see it, if I were to choose to stay on the fence, it would just be like living in denial. Never truly being honest with myself or those around me. None of which is safe or beneficial. In short, part-time recovery doesn't exist. You cannot have a part-time eating disorder. It won't work. It really truly won't.
Right now I'm trying to get myself out of this. Without giving specifics, I'm trying to make my meals more regular, trying to not give into other "healthy" urges and trying to make sure that I am doing the things that truly make me happy. (Hello new college apps).
If you think you might be trying to have a part time eating disorder, here are some things to think about:
- You are more tired than usual
- You lose focus more easily
- you still enjoy what you do but it doesn't feel as right
- You question yourself a lot more
- People are starting to be worried about you
- Other people, including you, see no issue with what is going on
- Your food seems slightly off
- Urges are becoming stronger
- You feel like have a completed a part-time eating disorder.
Don't stay on the fence. It might be worse than fighting.
Stay Strong
xo Aria
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