Friday, 29 July 2016

I Apparently Have Seminary Homework (Part One)

So, this two part series of posts is because I was told by my mentor at seminary to basically write two essays. And I decided that blogging was the best way to do that. Here we go. 

The first one is actually eating disorder related. I was talking about sometimes you just want to relapse and go backwards. But you know you shouldn't. So, you tell everyone, including yourself, that you're "trying" not to relapse. To which she said that trying doesn't really mean anything in this situation. Like I know what to do. So, I'm either fighting through and doing it or I'm not. This brought back a really interesting memory from two treatment stays ago. I was at dinner and really just didn't feel like eating. And one of my favorite BHTs was like "I know it's hard but just try" and of course my snarky response while crying over a sandwich was that I WAS trying. Looking back, I wasn't really. Like I knew I should eat it and that if I didn't I would get supplements anyway. But there's an odd strength found in the struggle. Because he longer you sit there, the lore in control you feel. It was interesting to look back on that. Because now I know what I need to do. Which is not to try but to do. I weighed myself the other day for the first time in practically a year. And I freaked out. I've never been so close to my pre eating disorder weight. Because I've never lasted this long without relapsing. This same mentor found out and handed me a piece of pizza. That act of defiance  of what my brain wanted felt so liberating. Which doesn't make sense to those without an ED. But we all know that sometimes the hardest and most painful things free us the most. I was asked to write about what I walked away from by deciding to get better and what I've gained along this road. I walked away from staying up until 5 am working out until I cried. I walked away from making suicide pacts. I walked away from having starvation pacts. I walked away from fainting in bathrooms. I walked away from people hugging me and feeling for my spine. I walked away from sitting in locked wards. I walked away from daily weigh-ins determining if I had the right to shower. I walked away from the terrible high of starvation. I walked away from people asking me for diet tips. I walked away from comparing calories with friends. I walked away not being able to sit on the floor And not being able to lay down because there were just bones everywhere. I walked away from hiding. I've gained a lot along the way. I've gained the ability to make my own decisions. And I've gained the ability to laugh a gain. And I've gained the ability to go out with friends. I've gained having people as friends that don't just want an "Ana buddy". I've gained the chance to travel. I've gained going to school. I've gained freedom. And I only gained those things by picking myself up off the ground and putting one foot in front of the other. One meal at a time. One tear at a time. One smile at a time. 

Stay Strong 
xo Aria

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