So, I just realized that I never actually took the time to sit down and finish this series of blog posts. And this topic happens to still be playing a main role in my life. For the past two months I've been in seminary is Israel...again. And once again I'm so confused. Like I know I should go back to school for this year. And I know that I promised my friends and my frat. And I know I was happy there. But it was a different kind of happy. A surface level, constantly needing a high of some sort, feeling awkward kind of happiness. Even around NA people because I know my low wasn't nearly as low as most of theirs. Like I'm just so socially awkward and I don't know if it that's all the time or just there. Because it's never really been an issue of mine before. And here I'm not searching for a vice. Like there it was either running myself into the ground, going out super late, smoking, drinking... Anything really. Meanwhile, the other night I had these super random urges to purge (like seriously. I don't need a new ED symptom). And instead of acting on it or running or being stupid, I texted a friend and kept telling myself " vomiting is not a healthy coping mechanism. You can do this". Which might be the cheesiest sounding thing ever. But it got me through.
I don't know. For some reason... Nothing feels like it's missing here. But maybe it should?