Poetry is My Guilty Pleasure

As very few of you know, I decided to try art therapy for a while. But the thing I've come to realize is that visual art isn't what helps me. Poetry is. I love it. And it's so great for expressing things. So here is my latest one. Please don't judge. 

Tears flowing

Numbers flashing

World spinning

Ankles collapsing 

Everything is black

Machines beeping

Doctors running

Someone help the girl who can't eat

The girl who won't eat

She must want to be pretty

Her family must be loaded

Maybe she's just stressed 

Or maybe she just hates herself

Hates herself so much that nothing else matters

I'm not a girl who starved to be pretty

I starved because I knew I could never be

Never be what society expects

Never be the perfect girl my parents wished for

So now I'll be nothing at all

And nobody will have to worry

Doctors running 

World slowing

Eyes closing

I'm going to sleep

And when I wake up the numbers will still be flashing 

Don't be afraid to try different ways of expression

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Dom

Tonight I went on a date with a fantastic guy. His name is Dom. Feel free to assume whatever you want regarding his actual name. Point is, I'm really happy about how it went. I've always said that the best part of a relationship is when you can sit in silence and still feel comfortable. And that happened tonight. We sat in his car and listened to music and held hands. The matching callouses were a nice touch. But it didn't feel awkward or like we needed to fill the space with words. We could just be there. And that was amazing. I'd be lying if I said he wasn't a good kisser too. And really sweet. I'm really glad he said he'd be up for a second date. And can't wait to see what happens.


I guess the point of this post is that sometimes what seems impossible...isn't. Don't let some bad relationships in the past ruin the ones to come.


Stay Strong
xo Aria

Chanukkah, Christmas, and a Coach

I'd like to start off by saying Merry Christmas to all who celebrate and a late chag Chanukkah sameach to all my fellow Jews. I know I haven't blogged in quite a while but life has just been so crazy. Our first meet of the year happened. I lost my best friend. Gained a boyfriend. Took second place on vault. Thought about relapsing. Worked harder than ever. Finished the semester. Basically, I've been busy. But I only want to focus on a couple events. 

Number 1: Chanukkah

This holiday is always hard for me because the most important foods, latkes and sufganiyot, are fried. And that is absolutely terrifying. I only ate one donut and 3 latkes the entire eight days. But I consider it to be an accomplishment. I also went to a local Chanukkah party all by myself and met some new people. Normal people. So, I had to eat to keep up with them. I never realized how much food people actually eat. It was really hard but being distracted after made it better. And to be honest, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Although having a meet the next day may have helped. But either way, I'm proud of myself for making it through the holiday.

Number 2: My Coach

I know I've spoken about her quite a few times but today in particular...made me realize just how much I owe to her. It actually started Sunday night after meet (and after her ordering my dinner -_-). My other coach had pointed out that I didn't eat enough before a meet but to me, eating at all before a meet was an accomplishment. It was a first time. I felt like such a failure. But after pointing it out to the coach that this paragraph about, we decided that an step is a good step and that I had a lot to be proud of. I went to sleep smiling that night. Last night I lost my best friend in a really stupid fight and never wanted to eat again. Because obviously that is the rational way to deal with life. I spent half the day pretty sure that starving was the answer and that said coach would give up on me eventually but she didn't and I ended up eating. Because starving didn't actually make me feel any better. Eating didn't exactly help. But it means I get to practice next week. And I finally learned the newest part of my floor routine. Which did make me feel better. Getting up and moving and talking to someone felt so much better than relapsing. I KNOW CRAZY STUFF.

And lastly,

Number 3: Christmas

No, I don't celebrate Christmas. But my brother's birthday is on Christmas day and like most Jews my family does the same thing every year. We eat Chinese food and see a movie and then later have cake for the birthday. It is so stressful. High calorie foods. Sitting around all day. It's not exactly my cup of tea. So, to all who celebrate, please be healthy and lovely Christmas. And to everyone else, be safe and healthy.

See you all in the new year!

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Midnight Adventures

Tonight I got a text asking if I was up for an adventure. At first I considered saying no. It's midnight and I have practice and life. But she's one of my best friends who I haven't seen in months. So, basically forever in our time. We used to see each other at least once a day. To say we had a lot to catch up on would be an understatement. So, I said yes. Of course I'm up for an adventure. And why not? It's a Friday night and I'm a college student. I couldn't be more happy with my decision. It was the first time in forever that I felt normal and alive and just there. It felt real. We covered everything from school to sex to why we might be Pinocchio. Don't question the last one. But the point is that going out of my comfort zone was so great. And I remembered why we were friends to begin with. I'm even stopping by her work tomorrow before practice to grab food from her. As I'm laying in bed and smiling, I can officially say that I am content. Life isn't perfect. But it has perfect moments. And tonight was one. To quote a book "and in that moment I swear we were infinite ". We could've driven for hours and not run out of things to say but sitting in silence has never bothered us either. She's a true friend. And I'll always treasure our little midnight adventure. 

Don't let comfort zones hold you back

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Take It Like A (Hu)Man

I am about to tell you all about my grocery shopping adventure with my dietitian today. Which had a striking resemblance to one of my favorite musicals. Legally Blonde. Assuming you have all seen the movie, I won't go into the plot. However, I will explain how the title of this blog and the song it is based on tie in here. In the scene, Elle Woods is taking Emmett Forest to go shopping for clothes. For various reasons. And he does fight her in the beginning. Pointing out that you shouldn't judge a book by the cover and the thing is that her response is also correct : "I know. But I also know that tattered books get left on the shelf". In the same way, I know that the accomplishments I have made mentally do matter but being able to show them physically is the only way for others to see . So, we all do things that we don't always agree with. The song I'm referencing is called "Take It Like A Man" and the entire song has moments where my dietitian and Elle must have been best friends. Including the very beginning and the very end. In the very beginning she explains where they are and instructs for breathing to occur. And at the very end when Emmett no longer feels like himself, she says "that's the best part. The outside is new but now it reflects what's already in you". I was definitely made to breathe in the start of my grocery store trip and Elle's almost last statement is something that I feel deeply and that my dietitian constantly reminds me. Yes, things have changed but now my life is starting to reflect who I was already was and am by myself. 

We started simple and moved onto harder and harder things. But what shocked me most is that we laughed the whole time. It was actually a lot of fun. We got some healthy things and some more fun foods and even things that I haven't had since before I developed my eating disorder. It was really exciting and it felt so nice to have someone that I trust with me. The weird part was not looking at labels the whole time, but I made it and I still haven't looked at what we bought. I know I will check the facts before I eat it but for right now, I consider it an accomplishment. She even listened to what I really don't like to eat. Which I seriously appreciated. Because I am human. I was really nervous before this appointment but I can honestly say that it was a great experience to have. 

Thank you Bobbi. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Oh! I highly recommend listening to the song in the link below!

Thanksgiving With An Eating Disorder

I want to start this post with the disclaimer that all eating disorders and all sufferers are different. So, what I write may not be true for you or your loved ones. Nevertheless, thank you for reading and I hope you get something from it.


Thanksgiving is possibly the most stressful day of the year. It has food (with unknown nutritional info), family and stress. Not to mention that right now is when most relatives start talking about how they're going to have to diet after the holidays. People talk about being stuffed with food and attach guilt to food. But at the same time they judge how much we may or may not be eating and have no problem offering more. I know that I constantly feel judged on this holiday and that the idea of it makes my skin crawl. It's like all my worst fears coming together on this one day. And I can't escape it plus avoiding is a big no-no in recovery. So, I had to go to dinner. And I made it through but I can tell you that what I ate doesn't fit the typical Thanksgiving plate picture and I was still shaking with fear at the end. Thanksgiving with an eating disorder is terrifying and paralyzing and be a dangerous relapse point. Which is why as I am typing this, I am eating breakfast. You can't let one scary meal affect everything else you are working on.

Thanksgiving has more meaning to it than just food. You just have to find it.

Stay Strong
xo Aria

Two Years

Two years ago I put it down

Two years ago the last burn was made

Two years ago I decided to let them heal

Two years ago I wore long sleeves all the time

Two years ago I was fresh out of treatment

Two years ago I was in pain

Today I refuse to start again

Today my scrapes are not self-inflicted

Today my scars are faded

Today I can wear short sleeves

Today I have a life

Today I am still in pain, but

Today I know how to handle it.

November 22 2012. That was the last time that I self-harmed. I have wanted to. I have come close to it. I have had dreams about it. But I haven't acted. I have asked for help and made promises. Because of that, I am two years free of self-harming and my scars are almost invisible to the outside. I am so thankful to everyone that has stood by my side. Especially those who have sat with me while I have cried and made me make promises. Thank you. Without you, I wouldn't see how strong I truly am. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria