I Am Proud To Be Jewish

I'm writing this on a bus leaving Majdanek concentration camp in Lublin, Poland. For the first time in quite awhile I can officially say that I am proud to be Jewish. Never thought I'd say that, especially after the last three and a half hours. But there is much power in seeing that we are still here and the Nazis are not. We sang Acheinu in the building that housed the gas chambers, Am Yisrael Chai as we walked out, and Hatikvah in the crematorium. I've never sang those words with such conviction before. 

When you enter into Majdanek, you can see the expanse of the entire camp, building, watchtowers, barbed wire fences and of course the chimney from the crematorium. It's an incredible contrast to the town right next to it. I've always looked at the holocaust very objectively. With numbers and facts. And I came to Poland hoping to add feelings to it. But what hearing about what happened at this camp did was far more valuable. It reminded me that you can't look at a person as a number. That's the Germans did to us. Each person who perished in this camp and others had a life and dreams and a soul. And that is how you find the emotion. It is in realizing that it could have been me. There were girls just like me with a very different fate. All because they were Jewish. Most of them proudly Jewish. 

So, for me, the question becomes how can I not be proud to be Jewish after all we have persevered through. After all they did and went through because of people part of this incredible nation. 

I am so incredibly proud to be Jewish right now. 

Am Yisrael Chai

xo Aria

What is Missing Part 2

Okay so this is part of two of what I think will actually be a four part blog. 

I brought my dietitian's question up to one my friends today. And her response was "it's amazing what happens when you're happy and when you're focused on something that fills your soul". Which is so interesting because I truly think that I'm happy at school. But perhaps it's the not the same type of happiness. It's not the soul on fire type of happy. And my soul definitely isn't fulfilled. I think the most interesting part of what she said was "exercise isn't your first priority because there are more important things in your heart than changing your outward self. You're working on your inner self". 

There is so much truth to the things she had to say. And after speaking to another person about trying to find my way and having her say how its about coming into yourself and growing... I wonder if at school I just feel stagnant. I'm not sure

I'm going to keep exploring these ideas while I'm here in Poland and see where it takes me. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

What Is Missing?

This post will be part one in a,probably, two part blog post. 

The other day I met with my dietitian and she posed an interesting question to me that is still making me think. To start off, I'm leaving for Poland tomorrow for a week. And while I'm home I exercise four to five days a week. But obviously that won't happen this week. When she asked how I felt about it, I told the truth. I'm not worried about it. I just want to experience the trip. She then said " maybe this is something to look into. Why is it that when you're in Israel or Poland, places where you feel at one with yourself and connected, that exercise and food are so important to you? Why is it only when you come back that it becomes a big deal? And what is it that's missing here or that needs to be taken away from here to create that same feeling?"

I'm not going to lie, I thought this comment was crazy. Like of course it's different. I'm not the same person in both scenarios. Different things are expected of me. But that's okay. Yes, one feels more real and authentic and helps me be more introspective. Which honestly is what I think helps so much is that I'm truly able to work things out within myself and I'm allowed to grow how I want. Plus, there are people are want to listen and help you along the way. Judaism makes me feel so whole and amazing. It actually makes my soul on fire. Don't get me wrong. I love school and my friends and all of that. But it's not the same. It's more superficial. And I act more impulsively. Not to mention I'm so much more stressed out. 

I'm just not sure how that plays out with food and exercise. Or what to put in or take out. 

Any ideas?

Stay Strong

xo Aria

עמ ישראל חי

Since December 15th, I have been in the magical place on Earth. No. Not Disney World. I've been in Israel. There is no other place that I feel so at peace and so welcome. I'm truly happy. This Shabbat will be my sixth and final one here, for now anyway. And I cannot believe how fast the time has gone. It feels like I just landed here. Yet at the same time it feels like I've been here my entire life. If home is truly where the heart is...then Israel is my home. And I'm proud to say that. More shocking to me though is how much sense Judaism has been making to me. The more I learn and the more I talk to people, the more my soul yearns for more. I turn 20 in a couple weeks. That's almost more insane than actually being in this country. I lived to see 20. And I'm happy. And I'm not harming myself. And I'm not starving. I'm alive. Truly and completely. I'm not saying that I have everything figured out but wow. Happiness is more incredible than I could have imagined. I want to end this post with some of the most important things I have learned this time around. And even though I learned them in a Jewish context.. They are universal truths. The first being that having self-respect is important. It is okay to value yourself. It is okay not to be perfect. Number two is that anything can be made special again. Just because something means nothing to you now doesn't mean it can't be the precious thing later. I.e. Shomer negiah. And lastly, trust yourself. If you don't think something is going to be good for you, then don't do it. 

To everyone I have met in Israel, thank you for making me feel like I belong. And to everyone who helped me become who I am, it's because of you that I'm here. So thank you. 

Life should be one grand adventure. 

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Finding Myself

The overall title of this blog is "Winning Balance" which I think ties perfectly in with the ideas of this post. I first want to say that this post was definitely inspired by someone. Like always she will remain nameless. But you know who you are. 

Life is like putting on a grand show. Everyday you put on a costume, maybe a mask, and you go out and put on a dance for the world. You show what you hope will garner at least some applause. If you watch my show, most of the players are guys. Shocker. I know. They make me do my dance. They move me. The problem is what happens when they no longer show up? Do I simply stand on the stage alone? Or do I become my own director and choreographer? Most would hope for the latter, but I've learned time and again that it  is usually the former. End of metaphor. The point is after so much time of not knowing myself, I don't have respect for what I can do without guys. Self respect is something I so badly want for other people. But I don't have it. Today, I had an opportunity to talk to someone who sees behind the act I put on. One that some of you have seen. I've gotten really good at being stupid. Multiple times during this meeting, she pointed out that she saw right through it. Which was such a relief. It's a hard act to stop but it doesn't change that it feels nice to know that someone knows I'm not an idiot. So that's cool. Granted she also apparently thinks I'm going to end up religious. And living in Israel. The second part is definitely happening. For sure. There's something so incredible about this place and the people I don't see myself ending up anywhere else. Perhaps the best thing that happened though was when I told her why I want to be a teacher and she said she thinks id be good at it. All I want is to show kids that learning can be so fun and that some teachers actually love their subject. I can't ask for anything else but being able to do that. Basically, it's shocking where you can find someone that you would love to have as a mentor. Who knew it'd at seminary. 

To quote a friend: "did you ever think about just being yourself?"

Stay Strong

xo Aria

Woah. I'm Back

Wow...hey. So, I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. Which is so funny because I constantly have moments in my head where I think about things to write on here about. Oh well. Anyway, I'm alive. Actually better than alive. I'm like living. Crazy. Stuff. I wish I could say that this post was just catch up but that'll be next time when I have legitimate Internet. This post is going to be a homework assignment from one of the teachers at the Seminary I am at in Israel. Emme, since I know you're reading this... Yes you can message me later and ask all the questions you want about everything. 

Here we go:

Do two ideals never not conflict with each other? In middle school, all I wanted was for boys to want me. Now they do. And wow, it was such a self esteem boost. Like having every guy at my disposal, such a power trip. But now? It sucks. I don't have guys that just want to be my friend. I can't fall asleep in a friend's bed without waking up to his hands in my pants. It's like what I always wanted, I would now give anything to get rid of. That's not to say that I don't gain things through hook ups or boys, because I do. Like it reminds me why I matter. And why I do what I do. It shows me how to act. And sometimes it is just the break from thinking that I need. Every so often, it's even enjoyable. The only problem is that it causes me to sacrifice a lot of things too. Like any respect I have for my body. It doesn't belong to me, it belongs to them. Granted, that's not much different than in gymnastics. My body is simply a thing to be contorted. But I also sacrifice having any sense of who I am without a guy or what I like to do. Guys are who I base my self worth on. Like I'm pretty sure that if a boy wouldn't hook up with me that I would fall apart. Who am I if I'm not pretty enough for them? Plus hook ups can give you social standing. If you go out and no guy even looks at you, then you obviously either suck or you aren't pretty enough. Like to know you're wanted is really nice. Until it drives you nuts because you want space. Basically my gains are also my sacrifices. 

Thanks for reading!!!

Stay Strong

xo Aria

My Final Surrender

This post is long overdue. Especially seeing as I graduated from Renfrew in August. But anyway, if you have ever been a patient at "the frew" then you know what surrenders are. For everyone else, it is when you decide to give up something that harms your recovery. On my last day, while meeting with my therapist, I wrote my very last surrender and promised to hold myself to it. But I haven't done very well on that promise. So, I am going to type it below and hope it helps.


I surrender using the sentence, "I can't". With this surrender I decide that I am capable of achieving the things I want in life. I acknowledge that I do not deserve to fail at everything I attempt. Not all things will go as I hope or plan but it is better to try than to never know. I accept that I have potential in this life and refuse to not explore it. I surrender setting myself up to fail by setting the lowest possible standards. From this day forward, I promise to myself to give me a chance. Not in school or activities. But to give myself the opportunity to always be who I am without apology. With this signature I commit to living a life goals, opportunities, and chances.

Stay Strong
xo Aria